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uwantfrieswthat

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"Going bite the dust.Can’t fight with us. with your sound u kill the INC."- (Feel Good Inc.)Gorillaz [Friday
July 22nd, 2005 at 3:24am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Its around 3:30 in the morning right now.
My heart is beating so fast from excitement and anticipation.
Im not quite sure what im excited about but I just have a feeling something good is going to happen.
And summer is just wonderful.
I hope your summer is just as DandY :o)

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Writing. the truth. [Thursday
July 7th, 2005 at 2:24pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Its hard to keep your feelings back. when youre angry, sad, feeling decieved. Most people cry. Others become self-mutilated in thier own misery.
I dont cry. There are too many depleted tears to cry any more. I dont cry. I dont cut. I dont fight. I write. write with my soul, my heart open and my fingers clenched.

Writing has helped me visualize a whole new standpoint, a new reflection of myself. Not the same reflection that I see in the mirror, that reflection that I want to chew up and spit out. I see a different kind of reflection, and inner reflection that will forever cultivate who I am inside.

Lately, Ive really been thinking about things, and who I am. the substance abuse. the heartbreak. the meaningless fights.
My thinking turned into writing. my writing turned into poetry. so this, my friends, is a poem I wrote recently.

its called "The Cigarette Song"


Intentions must be good
Its not too late for demand of territory
Used property fall to pieces
From appropriate footsteps
The sleet of living disfigures under ash again
A strong death sentence approaches closer to the words "I quit"
These thoughts echo in her head
Every day. For every waking moment, every temptation

But shes at it again. Like a speeding horse. a speeding white lady.
Uncontrollable. Inevitable. Unexplainable. Incurable
And all thoughts for a new revelation lose their meaning
What has she come to?
She had removed the knife from under the table, and come to this
Needles in her arm.
A punctured skull
And the fresh taste of tobacco lingering in her mouth as she sleeps
The terminal threats of her friends no longer matter
Its all in her head
And its taken the best of her.

That smart, epitomized girl
Shes just a revived American reject
singing cigarette songs
and despairing lullabys
save me some strength
leave some ice in her bucket
so the tears will mellow down

why is she under this love spell?
There are too many stories to tell
Bring it back to where she was
Lets sit and hold hands
As time stands still

Trust turns into years of payment
Nothing means perfection
When shes lost her will
Dreams have caved under
30 minutes of majesty
only created spaces to fill

why WAS she under this love spell?
You didn't know her so well
There never was an us
Just an epitome of self

The longest 15 minutes of my life
Agony. Despair. Another friendship shifted in the soil
Friends. Too negligent. Too in love for petty cash.

Shes her own repentant wreck
Disembarking on a new road
Let it be
or
Piece her back together
Just listen to the cigarette song.
That former American reject

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Summer = BLISS [Tuesday
May 31st, 2005 at 3:24pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo fucking excited for SUMMER!!! Lets burn our fucking textbooks already!

Have C-C-Cinnamon Lips

Hugs and Kisses [Saturday
May 28th, 2005 at 8:20pm]
[ mood | working ]

My baby...looking a bit confused haha. I love you!!! :-)

yup...so I'm just here studying for finals. wow what a thrill
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Brown eyes are my new green. [Wednesday
May 25th, 2005 at 10:19pm]
[ mood | happy ]

The brown eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter since I met you
Honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Brown eyes

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[Saturday
May 21st, 2005 at 7:05pm]
Heyyyyyy
Thanks Alexa for the new lj layout!<3
Yup so I'm back to the lj
and you know what....lately I've felt sooo good. I've never been happier
School is no longer a "threat" in my life
Aaron and I arent talking and we fucked over the "friends and benefits" deal. And honestly....I've NEVER felt like I had so much freedom. All I can say is fuck him and his drug addictions. He wasnt worth my tears or my time

AND GUESS WHAT??????
Ive totally changed. The Vicky you are seeing now is not that "depressed, oblivious, weaker" Vicky.The Vicky you are seeing is not that same Vicky that relied on drugs and stupid shit like that to obtain happiness. Ive changed so much. Smoking and self mutilating myself were probably the biggest mistakes of my life, and I'm never going down that path again. Never

This is now the happy Vicky that you all remember. Yup. My happy side has come back for me. And I'm in love. This time with some one adorable and LOYAL and caring. Griffin:-)

I love my friends. my family was falling apart at the seems but I'm slowly working things out. And summer is just around the corner. That means, more time with my family, friends, and griffin. And more relaxation. Wow. Somebody pinch me lol

I love youuuuuuuuu<3333333



Feel like a riddle today.
Glamour is in and I must say that you are barely okay.
Meanwhile I fight for reason.
Glamour in hand to defend, this my only body stance.
Take a look around, Everything in turn will come down.
Don’t depend on this broken promises, They won’t hear a sound.
Last chance to find the way out.
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[Friday
May 20th, 2005 at 8:55pm]
This is Alexa updating for VICCKAAYY! gosh dont you just love her? jfklsdjafl love you vicky

how do you like the background? eheh were going to be playing around with it for a while...

anyway leave some love for how much you love vicky
<33333<333
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[Monday
April 11th, 2005 at 11:36pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I want to be happy. But I feel so -U-S-E-D-. So set up. SO HATED. WHEN WILL THIS STOPPPPPP??? When will I knock myself into place and face reality, face myself? When will I stop doing this? When will THEY stop torturing me?

 

 


Friends-with-BENEFITS....what the HELL does that mean?

Im being USED. Why don't I get it?..Im falling into the same trap I fell into in the first place.

THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL. My FRIENDS were keeping my gas tank full. But I'm losing them too.........


I WISH I WAS BEAUTIFUL. I WISH I HAD CHARACTER. I WISH I HAD MOTIVATION AND TALENT. I WISH LIFE WAS EASY. I WISH I WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

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[Friday
April 1st, 2005 at 2:13pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I have something to say to a certain SOMEONE who has been invading peoples privacies and reading their ljs. *cough*cough*...I know who you are...

Just be careful guys....

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[Thursday
March 31st, 2005 at 7:17pm]

 

PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN...sum1 please come overrrrrr..entertain me...anything.

One more week of spring break= more helpless moments of sitting on my ass

Hey Guys

Yeah basically, if you haven't gotten the message already, my parents are out of fucking town, and I'm just trapped in my own house. Makes me want to write poems

This spring break is far from wonderful. First day of spring break I got into a fight with my mom and it came down to this---we were basically at each others throats after 10 minutes. I got my computer taken away...and my phone...well i took my phone back and Im using my brothers computer...but it doesnt feel the same.

I havent seen a glimpse of my friends in a week and a half. Im starting to think that they are just trying to make excuses not to see me. Or maybe its just that FATE likes to play games with me. Either way...I'm depressed and lazy.

I dont know what to do with myself. Ive decided to go on a diet and Ive been running for 40 minutes each day....and knowing that my diet actually hasnt failed yet is starting to scare me. Usually I last a couple ours and the next time you see me im pigging out on ice cream and all that good stuff.

If any1 would like to hang out this weekend, please call me....you'd cheer me up. REALLY.

I miss you guys...and I love you<3<3<3

 

 

 

 

 

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[Saturday
March 19th, 2005 at 1:20pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Hey

This past week was Spirit Week. Although it might have been a fun and exciting week for most people, it was basically the exact opposite for me. 

This week I had to deal with a lot of horrible people that reminded me of the stupid shit I have done in the past, and how those people had tortured me, to the point where I was provoked to torture myself.

Every day seems like another time when I learn that life is hard. And the feeling never really escapes me. And so when every1 was loud and cheering during the past three days of Spirit Week, I was rolling on the floor in math class, begging through tears to see the school counselor.

I really wish I was as strong as most people, but I think sensitivity has been my worst weakness. Ive tried to fit in, many times, and I've also tried to be known as a nice and loyal friend and person. What some of you may not know, is that through all of my efforts, I have also been stepped on, by a lot of people. Usually, people think that its best to ignore what people throw at you and go on with your life. I have gone through so much shit, that I have actually grown to fight back------like probably most of you, I dont like to be taken advantage of...and thats what got me where I am today...facing myself in an empty room.

So maybe it was a mistake to fight back all these years....thats how I tried to show that I was somewhat strong, that I wouldnt let people do this to me. But after three months of torture, what I've really learned, is that fighting back is not what makes one strong at all.

What really makes one strong is showing someone that even through their attempts of torture, they have not changed you, they have not let all of their bullshit get to you. And thats where I went wrong

How I reacted to everything that has happened to me and how I controlled it, had ultimately left me feeling like the most worthless, vile human on the face of this earth. It left me feeling like people wanted me to die, and fall off the face of this earth.

But that was then, that was yesterday and this past week.

NOW Im ready to change everything. Im ready to erase the past, and start on a clean slate. No more taking my anger on people who just wanted to help. No more irresponsibility. No more weakness. No more self mutilation. Right now I'm ready to become stronger again. Im ready to appreciate the people who have helped me and who I love so much---my family and my friends. Im so sorry if I treated any of you like shit, I had no right to. Thank you so much for helping me, for cooperating with me, for talking to me during the late hours of the night when no one else would. I love you all more than you will ever know, and if I EVER upset any of you, please let me know.

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This is a poem I wrote last night, mainly about my struggles. It might not make any sense to any of you.....but here it goes

Happiness turns PURPLE

 

Happiness is a virtue

She wanted to erase the past

Abuse was in her eyes

Streamers of gold and scarlet

Elegant and beautiful

Bedecked her body

And came crashing down into a puncture of pertinence 

And they were tattered

And they no longer caught the light

 

It was an awakening

A force

The stain of purple was a strong dynamic

On her face, beneath her fingertips, in her heart

Warmth was drawn from her eyes,

Green and sparkling with elegance

Now in an embellished shade of dark

A darkness that dragged the streamers to their disembodiment

Those streamers that held on

And never let go

 

She was left behind with the stain of purple

Growing

Happiness was a virtue

She wanted to exile her past

And took the spared bits of happiness that remained

Her future is a blank wall

That she is trying to walk into

And her nose is already broken

 

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[Sunday
March 13th, 2005 at 8:30pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Hey guys!


YAY Charlotte and Greg came over today!


We had a bomb ass time...SUPPOSEDLY at ate In and Out *cough*...right....


anyway...here are some pictures of us being silly:o)



Charlotte= the beautiful girl that makes animal noises! RAWR! just kidding haha. I love charlotte!



Me not paying attention....what else is new? haha. yeah...Greg was basically molesting us with the camera.....



My brother ...in a...cow mask? yeah....


 


So after we chilled at my place for about 1/2 hour...shooting pictures and shit like that....we went to go grab a bite to eat, and Greg drove us....pretty fun ride...we almost got killed...but thats ok. RECKLESS DRIVER! *cough*cough* haha just kidding Greg.



Charlotte in Greg's car..VROOM VROOM (shes hiding her panick-stricken face!..jkjkjk)


Charlotte is beautiful but im moving on!


SOOOO


We finally reached "IN n OUT" *ahem*



Greg and Leonard...



AWWW me and Charlotte


 


 


So....after we had a bite to eat, Greg dropped us off and headed for work....


Yeah...its sort of amazing what people can do when they're bored and desperate...haha well...basically Charlotte and I transformed my brother into a drag queen...pretty funny shit haha


ok so...


......BEFORE......



 


AFTER!!!!




Notice the carefully polished nails, the make-up and the hair accesories! Now he is a fine bitch may I say.....



HOOTTTT



You know...when you transform into a woman....you GOTTA..MUST..shave those stems!

WARNING: MY BROTHER DID NOT ACTUALLY SHAVE HIS LEGS. oh..*AHEM* DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!



ew....we look like friends...thats sad



SO after we gave my brother an extreme makeover, we just hung out, talked russian and vietnamese lol

My mom killed me for doing this to my brother but its all good....now he has to wear nail polish to school tomorrow! FUCK YEAH!

Charlotte just left my house...so..IN CONCLUSION, we had AN AWESOME TIME!

I love you Charlotte! and THANKS A LOT Greg, for riding us around and taking us to...well...you know lol.

oh....and i love Leonard..awwww how cute...yeah..pssshhhhhhh
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[Saturday
March 12th, 2005 at 11:44pm]


Your Seduction Style: The Natural





You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.










Do you think I seduce like that...or seduce at all? lol
Wow Im aroused! just kidding haha
Comment<3
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[Saturday
March 12th, 2005 at 8:16pm]

Today was fun!

I hung out with my brother Leonard and Greg..yep we had quite a time!

We went to eat at Jerry's and then we hit the hook...good stuff:-)

Ummm yeahhhhh tomorrow I'm prolly gunna see this really sweet guy named Brandon. I got introduced to him online through my friend from camp who I havent seen since summer..yup so I'm probably seeing both of them tomorrow! IM EXCITED! oh..im not sure but I might also be hanging with Greg and Leonard tomorrow again so whoever wants to join just call me up.

Oh....most importantly...it was Ro's (my AMAZING carpool from 9th grade) 15th birthday party yesterday!!!! I was the only 8th grader there but its ok! I had so much fun..especially with Sophie and Lexie! I love you guys so much!

Umm thats a random picture of my brother in his really cool jacket lol

Another random picture of me and my brother looking retarded.......like the hat?

Laju, me (you can kinda see me in the middle lol) and lexie at ro's party..yeah...i dunno who that guy is on the very right.....but i think he flashed his penis at lexie...good stuff haha

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Ok so...now....Im procrastinating on all homework..and im extremely horny..yeah just thought you'd all like to know. Fuck I really need a man right now. Im home alone ...its the perfect opportunity to sneak any1 in. blahhhhhhh

Anyway....call me if you wanna talk or make plans

Later my loves......

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[Thursday
March 10th, 2005 at 7:00pm]

I just got my new haircut! What do you think?

 

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Simone and I have a Shalom friendship bracelet! We're such JEWS haha [Thursday
March 10th, 2005 at 3:01pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREA!!! <3<3<3
I just left Simone's house and now Im going to get my hair cut!! SHOULDER-LENGTH!! :-o
Ill add more later.......
:-)

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[Wednesday
March 9th, 2005 at 11:20pm]

yo
IM HAVING AN AMAZING DAY TODAY!!! Directly after school I changed and hung out with Simone! We at dinner at McDonalds!! How spiffy is that? haha. Then we went to her Hebrew School where we hung out for a couple of hours and I got introduced to her cool ass friends!!
Now I'm at her house...which I am going to sleep over at! YAY!!! I hope you all know that I love Simone so much! and I will totally be willing to go lesbian for her!! haha XOXOXOXO

Oh yes....and here are some pictures I stole from Simone's computer of me and her...

Me and Simone at my house b4 the dance......

A picture Simone took of me while I was at her house.....

 

A picture of me and Simone at the dance!WOOT WOOT!

SIMONE!!!! You are so gorgeous baby!! <3<3<3

 

KAY IM DONE FOR NOW!!!!!

X<3X<3X<3

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[Tuesday
March 8th, 2005 at 11:29pm]

Hey.

Im pretty much bored out of my mind...yes..I really know this when i start reading. I read an article online today. SCARY. Anyway...

I was trying to make a new backgound on my lj..turns out I ended up screwing up the whole thing and reverting back to using the "easy method" after deleting all of my html work. Thats a lot of work straight up my ass. 

Ummm nothings new...I'm procrastinating on my homework..the usual. Everythings going well, I guess. TOMORROW is my last day of school for the week and then....*hazaah!* a FOUR day weekend!! hell yeah bitches!!!!!!!

2morrow I'm probably coming over/sleeping over Simones house. You can really see the excitement swelling up in my face. NO REALLY. I love Simone..shes my little grope buddy haha.

OK enough about me? how was your day????? Comment...humor me..lol.  

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what a great picture...can somebody say..whoebag? haha

<----just a random picture from my bday

 

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If you could be my punk rock princess
I would be your garage band king
You could tell my why you just don't fit in, and how your gonna be something
If I could be your first real heartache I would do it over again.
If you could be my punk rock princess you could be my heroin.
~Something Corporate-Punk Rock Princess~

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[Tuesday
March 8th, 2005 at 12:12am]
(x) been high (and no, not on sugar lol.)
(x) been drunk
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car (almost..hehe)
(_) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been in love
(_) been dumped
(_) shoplifted
(_) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my house
(_) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex (only on my sexy ass hoebagsss haha)
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger (yeah good stuff)
(_) stole something from my job
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(_) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend (sorry babe)
( ) had a crush on a teacher (ewwww)
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(_) slept with a co-worker (OH YEAH thats DEFINATELY something I would do..pshh)
(x) cut myself on purpose
(_) married
(_) gotten divorced
(_) had children (YES!!...no lol)
(x) seen someone die:-(
(x) Slapped someone I loved (man would I like to do that to a certain som1 now..)
(x) Been on a plane (I HATE PLANES)
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar (the one I have at home..if it counts lol)
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi (RAW fish..bleh)
(x) Been skiing
(x) Met someone in person from the internet (Alexa! I love you!)
(_) had a real feelings for someone you knew only online
(x) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself (viewer disgression advised haha)
(x) been in an abusive relationship (go ask AARON, he'll tell you..oh, or maybe the FROG next to him might know a thing or two)
(_) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) lost a child
(_) gone to college
(x) died your hair
(_) graduated college
(_) had sexual intercourse of any kind (You never know when I'll start hehe RAWR)
(x) tried killing urself
(x) intentionally burned urself
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(Yes...always)
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[Monday
March 7th, 2005 at 11:48pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

This is, once again, a tribute to my friends. I honestly don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing without you guys. You've all contributed to my well being and have helped me even when I felt I had reached my last bit of rope. Thank you all so much, for everything. I love you guys more than you will ever know<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

COMMENT ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY OF MY FRIENDSHIP! just kidding haha










Dorielle is hott:-)

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